I’m becoming too dependant on my partner. I can’t stand being away from him for more than an hour or two, I really can’t. When he’s not with me I can’t help but think how if we weren’t together how utterly alone I’d be. How I’ve lived in this town my whole life, had various jobs, school, college, and not one of the many people I’ve met in one of those times has even bothered contacting me for years just to see if I’m ok; even though they all know where I am. Even those I’ve tried reaching out to. I literally do not have a single friend in my home town, anyone to talk to, or even someone I can call an acquaintance. I worry that every time we have an argument, no matter how small, that one day it might be our last. Or that by being too needy I’m just going to push him away or make him lose all respect for me. I don’t want to be pathetic, I’m trying to be strong and self-dependant but I’m struggling to maintain it every day. I hate the sleepless nights, I hate the fact that I can’t get a job no matter how hard I try and I’m constantly being judged for that. I hate the fact that I’m in debt despite the debt not being my own cause (credit cards/catalogues/etc). I hate how I’ve literally begged my family for help and they’ve refused me even though I’ve never asked for help before. I hate being trapped here. I hate the fact that I can’t even talk to my counsellor any more because I’m past the age limit for free support, and I can’t afford to pay for a private one. I hate that because my school didn’t do anything about me getting bullied it fucked up my education, and now I can’t afford to even take a course to better myself. I hate the fact that me and my partner can’t do the things we want to do, like get married, and start having just a basic life together. I don’t care about having heaps of money, I just want a job that’s enough to pay the bills and help us to afford to start our life. I hate the fact that even when it’s a beautiful day outside I don’t want to leave the house. I hate the fact that I kind of rely on tumblr and other online sites to keep me in contact with the world because I can’t do that on my own. And I really hate the fact that when I pity myself, I always feel guilty because I know there’s people out there who have it 100x worse than me. I don’t even like the fact that I’m confessing all of this on tumblr now, because this is something I usually don’t do.

And out of everything I worry most about not having my partner, because without him I wouldn’t have anything, be anything. Literally if I hadn’t have met him I’d probably be dead right now. I trust my partner more than anything in the world, but I still don’t want to rely on him in case one day he isn’t there.

Bungie’s new Destiny game being the number one (now that I’ve got Bioshock Infinite!), and Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag, Tomb Raider, Injustice, GTA V and asdfghjkl the list goes on…

Pretty interested in seeing how fast my hair is growing at the moment considering it looks like it’s grown at least 2 inches in the past month or so.

I think it’s about time I stopped relying on this economy to give me something.

Including blow-drying. Unfortunately my hair loses a lot of volume without the blow-dry, but it feels so much better for it. Especially in combination with the argan shampoo & conditioner I got for Christmas :3

I’m thinking of finally becoming a subscriber to one of them at the start of next year, my two main choices are either LotRO (Lord of the Rings Online) or SWTOR (Star Wars: The Old Republic). I’ve played both on their free-to-play options which is why I can’t decide as I enjoy them both equally, so I was hoping someone with experience of either game could advise me on what would be best based on what you get for your money. Or, if you know of any similar games please feel free to recommend (I’ve already played EverQuest II, World of Warcraft, Star Trek Online & RIFT and not too keen on those) :)